To be honest, I let Corona derail me

There's a trend that started several years ago that people started picking a word at the beginning of each year and that's the lens they chose to live the year through. I jumped on board at the beginning, but, like all good hipsters, once it got too popular I was done with it. When 2020 was starting I was determined not to have a word. I was just going to live my year as it came.

But also, like God always does, He made me do the one thing I didn't want to do because He knew I needed it. He gave me a word so I didn't even have to choose one. The word He gave me was more. And this is how I know that God has a sense of humor. Who could ever have more in a year like 2020? But here we are anyway.

When the year started I was so excited. I just knew God was stirring something. I was on a high like I hadn't been in almost two years. I was playing music again. Serving in church. Leading a small group. Meeting and making new friends. It was great.

Then... Covid... Social distancing... Everything stopped.

All of a sudden, I was just simply going to work and going home. No playing music. No hanging out with friends. Church was online. Everything was on Zoom. At first, I was making it okay. I had hope that it wouldn't last forever. And then it happened, I began to feel disconnected. I fell back into despair and hopelessness. I wondered if anything would ever be the same again. I wondered if I would ever feel connected again, or if this was how it would stay forever. It became dark. I became dark.

I did my best to push my way through it. Some weeks were better than others. I put on a smile. I went to work. I tried not to feel worried, lonely, sad. Some days I could push the darkness away. And some days I didn't even fight it.

So why am I writing such a downer of a post? Because I know I'm not the only one who has been feeling this way. This season has been dark for everyone, but I know that not all of us handle the darkness the same way. Some of you have handled this just fine. Or at least that's what you are telling yourself. But I know a lot of us have really struggled. Especially those of us who don't handle change well.

I want you to know that, despite how you feel, you are not alone. At least not in the struggle. I may be the only one out there feeling like you're feeling, but hey at least me and you are not alone right. It's okay that you have felt sad, or scared, or unsure of the future. Me too. But lets make a promise to each other right now. Let's find our hope again. We can be sad and be hopeful at the same time. The night won't last forever. The sun will come up. I promise.

I realized that what I lost during this was much more than my hope. I lost my worship. At the beginning of the year I was up every morning not just reading my Bible, but truly searching the Scriptures for whatever God wanted to tell me that day. Prayer came easy. Praise came easy. I was chasing after the more that God wanted to give me.

Then when I wasn't so safe and comfortable in my own little world anymore, I began to shut God off. Deep down I knew that I was mad. So much of my life had already changed before this and just when I was getting a sense of normal again, this happened. That made me angry because I knew that He could have stopped that, but He didn't.

The truth is, we don't always get to know why God allows the things He does. But we can know that He always has a plan in it. What He's been showing me is how to find my worship when I seemingly have nothing. Who am I without music? Who am I when I'm not surrounded by friends? Who am I when I feel alone?

The truth? I'm still figuring that out. I know the truth of His Word. That I'm His child. That I'm dearly loved my Him. That I am more than a conqueror because of Him. That I'm never alone. But what does that look like to live out? That's what I'm learning. I do know one thing, it looks like worship. It looks like prayer. It looks like digging in to the Scripture. It looks like how I started the year. But the core of me is still being revealed. It's still being developed in the secret place with my Father.

You need to find your secret place. You need to find your worship. There is hope, and it's found in your Father's heart. He's the only constant in this world. Everything else changes. Everything else fades. He doesn't. He saved me and He will save you if you let Him.

I may have let Corona derail me, but I thank God that He always puts me back on the tracks. And He will do the same for you. I know it's hard. There will still be hard days ahead, but there will also be bright ones. Look for those. Worship in the waiting. Rediscover who you are. Who you were always meant to be. That is the only thing that can awaken the hope in you. That's the only thing that can truly pull you through the darkness. He is the only thing.